Princess' diary2

Life has become so ostentatious nowadays. I am trying to prove it to everyone that I am back as a tomboy. Yes, I was a tomboy three years back but as he entered my life, everything changed. Now that he is gone, I am trying to get back my old self as a tomboy but I wish it were so easy. I just want to keep on pretending in front of him that I am happy, I do not posses any feelings in my heart for him anymore and I want him to hate me. The more he would hate me, the more it would be easy for me to stay away from him. The way I am presenting myself in front of him is just my acting. I am trying to pull out an image of mine as a mad, over reacting, blabbering girl. I am trying my best so that he hates me more and more. I want to let him hate me as much as possible but I just want him to be happy with his love and with whatever he is happy. I know he got his love, his life and all his happiness in one person and I got no right to spoil his happiness. I had loved him, I love him and I will love him forever but will never try to pull out my heart’s feelings in front of him. I am trying to show that I hate him but I wish it were so easy. After what he did to me, I should have hated him for that but one thing is very true, life is too small to hate someone.

He hates me I know that because the way I am presenting myself to him is quiet obvious for him to hate me. He is happy, that means a lot to me and I do not want anything more. Who has said I am not happy? I am happy, very happy because he is happy. He is getting that happiness from someone which happiness I wanted to give him but I failed, but now that he is getting all that I wanted to give him, from someone else and that is bringing smile to his face, why I should not be happy? His smile is not even worth million dollars for me, it is something more than just a sum of million dollars. I hate to see him sad. Sadness does not suite him. He looks the worst when he is sad or is crying. I cannot compare his smiling face with any worldly or heavenly pleasure; they fall too cheap in front of his smiling face.

He is happy with her, I know but still sometimes, somewhere I envy her. It is not that I am possessive about him, it is just because I still love him and it is a part of human nature and there is no doubt that I am a human being.  I cannot be possessive about him because I had never possessed him but yes, I sometimes envy his girlfriend but the moment I see her making him smile, I see him being happy with her, I smile to myself and say, ” That is what I wanted, his happiness”.

"After many days I had been so honest, nakedly honest"…

December 11, 2010.