Sitting to write after many days feeling short of words and most importantly the time, which is shorter enough to construct my thoughts as words and frame them into sentences but I am still writing because I have loads to say but do not know from where to begin.
Life has been a bit messed up these days. The thing that is messing my life is nothing but the same old thoughts about him. No, I will not blame him anymore because he had already confessed his feelings for his present love, which he claims to be his true love and have already apologized to me for what he has done to me, for playing up with my life. However, forgiving him is not so simple for me, stepping into my shoes it will not be possible for anyone, I can bet that. Though I cannot forgive him, I cannot even hate him and the only reason behind this is that I still love him, I still have some feelings for him hidden at a corner of my heart but I am never going to express my feelings anymore in front of him. I wont be a hurdle in his happy love life because in all the years I have known him I have never seen him as happy as he is now getting his true love. I cannot forget my promise, which I once made saying that I would do anything to see the smile on his face, and now how can I break my promise? I should also not forget that I have a bad habit of not breaking my promises. The whole story is starting on the habit, more visibly on the ‘bad habit of not breaking promises’. I have let him exploit me, though unknowingly but I did it just to see him happy. I never ever thought that he is trying to exploit me; I gave him everything possible trusting him, trusting his love for me, trusting every word that he told me. I trusted him when he whispered those magical three words into my ears; his tight hugs made me trust him that he would never leave me. I trusted him when he said me that he cannot live without me and he would go mad if I betray him. His ringing me up and scolding me seeing me alone at night on the road, he getting pissed off when he heard that I was crying, he taking care of me, all these forced me to trust him. His tight hugs, his passionate kisses on my forehead, my eyelids, and my lips made me trust him. His running fingers through my hair and pressing my head tight against his chest to calm me down when I got upset, his fast heartbeats, did not let me question his love for me that he showed. Yeah, I was wrong; I was a fool to think all these things as his true love for me. However, I really do not regret for this, I do not regret loving him because that time I did what my heart said. This is why I still carry the ring with me, which we had put into each other’s fingers sitting on the lake of fire; this is why I still do not wear eye kohl because he hated seeing me wearing eye kohl.
I really want to say something, I know I am not a good student, I am not good at sports, I am not good at any cultural side, I am actually good for nothing; the only thing I can do is to drone on all the time and waste peoples’ time. Seriously one thing I can say, I have not tried to spoil anyone or anyone’s life, be it him or any of my friends. Many people, who include his family, think that I do not study so I do not let others study but the truth is different. I had always been at the back of him and my friends to work hard for their studies, especially him where I was always at his back, forcing him to study and less involvement in other activities specially avoiding the cell phone. I was at the back of him since class10 regarding studies but he did not listen to me and his results were poor. Then things happened as they had to, his family along with other people blamed me for this and at that point of time no one defended me, not even he. I took all their false allegations upon my shoulders.
I would not blame my luck for this because whatever happened and whatever is happening, my luck is not to be blamed because my fate had never been happy with me. Life has never shown me a full sun-drenched day; my life’s sky is full of clouds where the sun peers out for a while and then again hides behind the vapors.
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Sunday, December 05, 2010 2:24:51 AM
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